Argh - coworkers

To borrow an old MOL term, COWorkers just suck sometimes.   I work with a woman who ignores me most of the time even though she talks to everyone else (in a small office & she sits across from me), but when she isn't ignoring me snaps at me constantly (except when she's asking for help).

I've never given her reason for this, it's just been like this since day 1.  Most of the time I suck it up, but today I'm being snapped at and it's not how I want to start my week.  

Ugh - that's annoying.  Quickly off the top of my head, you have a few options:

1. Ignore it and realize that it's probably her issue if you tend to get along with your other coworkers.  

2. Confront her and politely tell her you've noticed that she ignores you and tends to snap at you when she does acknowledge you. You could ask her if there's anything you've done to explain this behavior?  If she says no, then I think you have every right to tell her that while you don't have to be good friends, she does need to treat you respectfully. 

3. If you're close with another coworker, you could always ask if they've noticed her behavior towards you or if they know anything.  However, I'd usually avoid this option because I personally don't like to stir up a lot of drama at work and this option could go down that road especially if you're in a smaller office setting.  

I worked with a woman like that for 25 plus years. I am now retired, and I do not miss that toxic woman one bit. She always thought it was the other person that was horrible. There's a saying, "If you meet one a-hole in a day, they are an a-hole. If you meet a-holes all day, you're the a-hole."

Perseverance said:
Ugh - that's annoying.  Quickly off the top of my head, you have a few options:


1. Ignore it and realize that it's probably her issue if you tend to get along with your other coworkers.  


2. Confront her and politely tell her you've noticed that she ignores you and tends to snap at you when she does acknowledge you. You could ask her if there's anything you've done to explain this behavior?  If she says no, then I think you have every right to tell her that while you don't have to be good friends, she does need to treat you respectfully. 


3. If you're close with another coworker, you could always ask if they've noticed her behavior towards you or if they know anything.  However, I'd usually avoid this option because I personally don't like to stir up a lot of drama at work and this option could go down that road especially if you're in a smaller office setting.  

 I try to operate according to option 1.  Our department is divided into two suites, I unfortunately sit in the one that has the less than stellar personalities. I get along with everyone else, in and out of my department (doesn't mean that I love all of them, but I have good working relationships with them), I guess I just rub her the wrong way.

Her behavior may have absolutely nothing to do with you personally.  It may simply be the proximity (sitting across from her) that makes you the most available target.  If it is something personal, you need to find out what is triggering her behavior and either call her on it or avoid whatever is creating the problem, assuming you can do this within reason.  Another possibility is to request a seat change, if possible, but this could exacerbate the problem rather than resolve it. 

bella said:
 I try to operate according to option 1.  Our department is divided into two suites, I unfortunately sit in the one that has the less than stellar personalities. I get along with everyone else, in and out of my department (doesn't mean that I love all of them, but I have good working relationships with them), I guess I just rub her the wrong way.

There was a person that I worked with over the past few years who stopped speaking to me, without any apparent reason.  I learned that she wasn't speaking to a few other people as well, and none of them knew why either.  One of the most unpleasant experiences was when we were assigned to share a car ride from the airport on a business trip.  For more than a half hour she gave me the silent treatment.  But through it all, I chose to ignore it.  If she had a problem with me, it was up to her to tell me what it was.  I wasn't going to make an effort to reach out and find out what it was.  Eventually she left the company, and took her toxicity with her.  It was really uncomfortable to be around her, but I've had a very long career and she was the first person I encountered who had any sort of issue with me.  Between that and her behavior with others, I knew the issue was her and not me.  Didn't make it easier though.  After she resigned, I got a profuse apology from her boss.  She reported to a person who was located in another state, and the boss didn't really know how she had been behaving toward her NY colleagues.

Hang in there. 

Here's a weird thought: perhaps it's a side issue?? Maybe when she looks at you, she gets glare in her eyes (from lights, or reflections outside?), or desk arrangements;  or simply or remind her of someone else she's not got on with? Or maybe you're so confident and calm that you make her secretly nervous?

I have a couple of friends, both kind-hearted, generous, funny, talented. One has a strong position in the community and fills the other with terror, for no known reason; she admits there's no basis for her fear. 

I just want to post here so no one thinks I'm ignoring them.

bella said:

Perseverance said:
Ugh - that's annoying.  Quickly off the top of my head, you have a few options:


1. Ignore it and realize that it's probably her issue if you tend to get along with your other coworkers.  


2. Confront her and politely tell her you've noticed that she ignores you and tends to snap at you when she does acknowledge you. You could ask her if there's anything you've done to explain this behavior?  If she says no, then I think you have every right to tell her that while you don't have to be good friends, she does need to treat you respectfully. 


3. If you're close with another coworker, you could always ask if they've noticed her behavior towards you or if they know anything.  However, I'd usually avoid this option because I personally don't like to stir up a lot of drama at work and this option could go down that road especially if you're in a smaller office setting.  

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Perseverance said:
Ugh - that's annoying.  Quickly off the top of my head, you have a few options:


1. Ignore it and realize that it's probably her issue if you tend to get along with your other coworkers.  


2. Confront her and politely tell her you've noticed that she ignores you and tends to snap at you when she does acknowledge you. You could ask her if there's anything you've done to explain this behavior?  If she says no, then I think you have every right to tell her that while you don't have to be good friends, she does need to treat you respectfully. 


3. If you're close with another coworker, you could always ask if they've noticed her behavior towards you or if they know anything.  However, I'd usually avoid this option because I personally don't like to stir up a lot of drama at work and this option could go down that road especially if you're in a smaller office setting.  

 I try to operate according to option 1.  Our department is divided into two suites, I unfortunately sit in the one that has the less than stellar personalities. I get along with everyone else, in and out of my department (doesn't mean that I love all of them, but I have good working relationships with them), I guess I just rub her the wrong way.

 It sounds like it's her then.  Maybe you remind her of someone she has issues with. At this point, I think you either learn to accept it and ignore it or politely call her out on it.  I'm kind of leaning towards the second one because if you're at a point where you're posting about this then it's clearly bothering you.  I could probably deal with being ignored but being snapped at would really get to me eventually.  My guess is that if you talk to her about this, she'll probably continue ignoring you in the future but at least stop the snapping because she's finally been put into her place.   

I would say something like “I am so sorry I feel like I have upset you in some way.  I would like to have a better working relationship.  Can we please talk about it?”

Take some ownership even if you don’t think her attitude is a result of something you did.  If it clears the air, great!  If not then at least you tried to make your environment a better place to be.

so so hard to work with others. Especially if you are outside

Of the norm of the place ie white straight male thin you g whatever the norm may be. But when you find those really special people that love you for who you are. That is a true gift from life. Good luck. I work with some people I can not stand.  Really it is a challenge every day when you are not valued. 

She's been complaining about other people today (I can hear her mutters) so I know it isn't just me.  Or maybe I'm just better equipped to deal with the attitude today.

bella said:
She's been complaining about other people today (I can hear her mutters) so I know it isn't just me.  Or maybe I'm just better equipped to deal with the attitude today.

 Nah. You are just hyper-focused. Unfortunately, it won't get better. She is the victim; you--and everyone else--is her nemesis. You can continue to try to make peace or you could just ignore her. The latter is much tougher. I swear, she sounds just like my former co-worker. 

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