Child bullied at a local establishment

I just found out last week that while my child was attending a local (Maplewood) establishment for a class, he was being bullied by the instructor.  I found this out from another child in the class.  The instructor gave him a "nickname" and the kids in the class were calling him by that name.  It was a derogatory name for a 5 year old.  

I pulled my child out of the class when it ended in early December for other reasons and have now been given this information and now not sure what action to take.  

I'd love some advice if you have experienced anything like this.

First and foremost, talk to the owner of the establishment.  If the bully is an employee, the owner needs to know and have a chance to react.  If the bully is the owner, then you have at least given them a chance to deal with the situation before you (inevitably and appropriately) give negative reviews of his/her business to those in your network.

susan1014 said:

First and foremost, talk to the owner of the establishment.  If the bully is an employee, the owner needs to know and have a chance to react.  If the bully is the owner, then you have at least given them a chance to deal with the situation before you (inevitably and appropriately) give negative reviews of his/her business to those in your network.

This ^^^ for sure!

The bully is the owner. We plan on doing that.  I am so disheartened to hear that my child was made fun of in front of the entire class by an adult.  

Were there any other adults around when this was happening? I know my five year old has a tendency to get details a little mixed up.

My child never mentioned it.  I was told this information by another student in the class that is older.  He recognized my child from the class and said the instructor calls him "this!"  Also, there were so many other issues with this particular place that before finding this out, we had decided it wasn't a fit for us.  

yougotme said:

The bully is the owner. We plan on doing that.  I am so disheartened to hear that my child was made fun of in front of the entire class by an adult.  

This just breaks my heart!!

No real advice for you, especially since your child is no longer attending, but I would be furious.

Did your son confirm what the older child said?

This sounds like a place I'd like to avoid.  Name?

yougotme said:
It was a derogatory name for a 5 year old.  

I'm not understanding this last sentence.  Was the name another name for a 5-year old?  As in pointing out his younger age?  Or was it a name that a 5-year old would find derogatory that adults wouldn't?

ctrzaska said:

yougotme said:
It was a derogatory name for a 5 year old.  

I'm not understanding this last sentence.  Was the name another name for a 5-year old?  As in pointing out his younger age?  Or was it a name that a 5-year old would find derogatory that adults wouldn't?

Depends on the adult. My high school gym teacher called the one Asian kid (who happened to be overweight) in my class "Eugene Chung." Oh he was pleased with himself when he hauled that one out.

I know you're not defending anybody, but for other people's kids - could we just stick with their name? Call me literally anything you want and I'll give zero *****s, but my 5 year old is a little sensitive (because he's five).

Oh, I don't disagree, just asking more out of curiosity than anything else.  Whether the instructor (sounds like a karate class if I had to guess) meant anything by it is irrelevant.

Does the child realize that s/he was being bullied by the leader of the class?  If so, in addition to following up with the person accused of bullying your child, I would recommend observing your child closely to determine if there are any negative effects of the alleged bullying that need to be countered/addressed and depending upon the child, speaking gently with the child about what happened.   

RobB said:

ctrzaska said:

yougotme said:
It was a derogatory name for a 5 year old.  

I'm not understanding this last sentence.  Was the name another name for a 5-year old?  As in pointing out his younger age?  Or was it a name that a 5-year old would find derogatory that adults wouldn't?

Depends on the adult. My high school gym teacher called the one Asian kid (who happened to be overweight) in my class "Eugene Chung." Oh he was pleased with himself when he hauled that one out.

I know you're not defending anybody, but for other people's kids - could we just stick with their name? Call me literally anything you want and I'll give zero *****s, but my 5 year old is a little sensitive (because he's five).

We had an issue with camp where a counselor repeatedly called my son a nickname that he doesn't like. It wasn't a derogatory name but it was really upsetting to him (also five at the time) because it's not his name. We tried to get a sense of what he was saying to the counselor and was he joking with him or clearly stating that he doesn't like it, but it was hard to tell.

Did the child let the instructor know that he did not like the nickname?  I don't think nicknames are inherently "bullying" and, if they are associated with a particular behavior, I would think they could be a useful teaching tool. If the kid is consistently the last to finish any given activity, I don't think it would be outrageous to call him or her "slowpoke". 

My guess is that most 5 year-olds would be hesitant to tell an adult they don't like a nickname.  It should not be up to a 5 year-old to handle this situation.

Klinker said:

Did the child let the instructor know that he did not like the nickname?  I don't think nicknames are inherently "bullying" and, if they are associated with a particular behavior, I would think they could be a useful teaching tool.

I don't know, I have a child who has been the victim of real bullying (death threats, etc). Stuff like this makes me wonder whether we have just gone a little to soft as a society.  Of course, if the nickname was something truly offensive (the racist coach mentioned above comes to mind) that would be another matter but if it is just a matter of calling someone "pokey" I can't imagine losing any sleep over it.

Klinker said:

Did the child let the instructor know that he did not like the nickname?  I don't think nicknames are inherently "bullying" and, if they are associated with a particular behavior, I would think they could be a useful teaching tool. If the kid is consistently the last to finish any given activity, I don't think it would be outrageous to call him or her "slowpoke". 

I'd be hard pressed to think of a single 5 year old kid who would tell his instructor, a person of authority, that he did not like a nickname he probably wasn't even meant to hear.  Making things even nastier.

If a child is repeatedly called a name of even mild derision like slo-poke by an authority figure that is bullying.  There should be other tools available to a teacher to modify behavior than name calling.

Allowing the milder name calling shows others that derision is a way to get what you want that may grow into the crueler forms of bullying

Is this the same instructor who identifies children as "quitters" in front of his class, when he spots a former student walking past the window of his establishment? I suspect it is.

To each their own, I suppose.  A certain thickness of skin is needed for a person to keep their organs on their inside and the elements on the outside.  If this is indeed bullying, then perhaps this whole bullying meme has been taken a bit far.  

That said, the OP is free to raise their kid the way they want.  I just hope they have invested in a lot of tissues because the world is a cold hard place and I  their child may find themselves woefully unprepared to deal with the harsh realities of life.  I certainly do wish them the best of luck, they will need it.

Klinker said:

To each their own, I suppose.  A certain thickness of skin is needed for a person to keep their organs on their inside and the elements on the outside.  If this is indeed bullying, then perhaps this whole bullying meme has been taken a bit far.  

That said, the OP is free to raise their kid the way they want.  I just hope they have invested in a lot of tissues because the world is a cold hard place and I  their child may find themselves woefully unprepared to deal with the harsh realities of life.  I certainly do wish them the best of luck, they will need it.

Did you forget the part about this being a FIVE year old?  AND an ADULT Instructor???

It's absurd to say a 5-year-old needs a thicker skin. Come on. This thread proves that there is NOTHING on MOL that somebody won't find some way to be contrarian about. We should all be able to agree that kindergartners shouldn't be called names, either by a teacher or in any other situation. 

imonlysleeping said:

It's absurd to say a 5-year-old needs a thicker skin. Come on. This thread proves that there is NOTHING on MOL that somebody won't find some way to be contrarian about. We should all be able to agree that kindergartners shouldn't be called names, either by a teacher or in any other situation. 

I think there is a difference between a nickname (like Pokey) and a "name" (like Fatso).  But hey, different strokes for different folks.  I have a five year old and I certainly am not going to start a thread if some one calls him "Slow Poke".

How about the teacher needs a thicker skin. If a five year old rattles you to the point you have to start calling him names, maybe it's time for another line of work.

yougotme said:

I just found out last week that while my child was attending a local (Maplewood) establishment for a class, he was being bullied by the instructor.  I found this out from another child in the class.  The instructor gave him a "nickname" and the kids in the class were calling him by that name.  It was a derogatory name for a 5 year old.  

I pulled my child out of the class when it ended in early December for other reasons and have now been given this information and now not sure what action to take.  

I'd love some advice if you have experienced anything like this.

For the sake of reference, it would be helpful to know exactly what this "nickname" was.

Klinker

I understand if the OP doesn't share the name or other identifying information.  I don't get the feeling that their intent is to slam a business, but rather looking for advice on how to handle it.  Even giving the "nickname" might alert the business owner to the situation, which the OP might wish to avoid.  I'm not saying that they shouldn't share any info, but that if they choose not to this might be why details are not being given and questions are not being answered.

I think yougotme is being very careful and considerate not to out the instructor and establishment. If the nickname isn't "derogatory enough" for some posters, then it devolves further into "get over yourself" territory. Plus I have a feeling it would lead to further speculation on the identity, which is what they were trying to avoid. 

At the end of the day, they're an upset and concerned parent trying to figure out what to do.

@yougotme - You didn't mention it, but I'm assuming that you talked to your kid to reassure them?

Also, what would you ultimately want to happen? Do you want the owner to apologize to you and/or your child? To reassure you that it won't happen again? Is there anything they can do to put things right in a meaningful way? If the answer is yes, then definitely talk to them. If it wouldn't make things better (or if it would somehow make things worse), then I'd respectfully suggest chalking it up to a bad experience, talking it all through with your child, and move on (especially since you've already left for other reasons). It's really up to you and what you want for you and your child.

dave said:

Klinker

Well, that is harsh.  At least he didn't call the kid "Boomie".

My intention for this thread is just to get some advice! I am not going to name the business or give the nickname as I do not want to slam anyone on a message board.  I just want some constructive advice on how to handle this.  I spoke to my kid about the incident and we are moving on as the kid no longer goes to that class.