Divorced parents-thoughts?

This is a text from my sisters ex to her just now. He already is pretty limited in taking his kids. He strictly adheres to a Thurs 5pm until Fri am and Sat 5pm until Sun 11am schedule with them. His new wife is having a baby next week so this message comes with 6 days notice. Would you do this to a 7 and 9 yr old child? The 7 yr old especially cherishes the little time he has with dad. So sad

Hmmm. I feel for the kids. However, there's usually so much going on with a new baby around he (dad) may not even have time to spend with them and they may just end up feeling ignored, which is worse. If it were my kids, I wouldnt be thrilled but I would understand and I would prepare my kids as much as possible, explain that it wasn't an ideal time for an overnight visit. Will it suck sure, but it is what it is. Fwiw, my ex and I have a very good relationship so I can only speak for our dynamic. HTH.

I dunno. When u are not divorced you don't just throw your kids out if you have another baby.

Did she fight him getting the kids more? seems like a very limited amount of time. And how close do they live to each other?

not sure I understand the question? He doesn't want the kids more than those 2 nights. If he can't see them in a scheduled day, he doesn't try to make up a day and even if asked to by the kids or by her (for example, if she has to work), his answer is always "no". His thinking is he pays $ so they are her responsibility.

I ultimately think it's for the best because older kid really upset about the baby anyway but that's not really the point.

The idea of not being able to make room for them for "a few weeks" for your new baby just seems so sad and unfair to them. And geez if you want to maybe heal a rift, pushing them away and making them resent the baby doesn't seem a great approach. Not to mention the crummy text basically informing of her of this 6 days in advance. He knows my mom will just pick up the slack. He even tries to ask my mom to take them for various reasons on his days with them ("I have a dentist spot can I drop them off from 5:30-7:30pm?" Or "can you pick up A at her activity and bring her to me so I don't have to make 2 trips?")

My sister just gets all nuts screaming he has to take them.

I told her to simply say- that's really not nice and you'll have to explain this to them and deal with their reaction. Respectfully request more notice/discussion if these things and tell him he needs to pony up for cost of child care for the weeks he doesn't want to keep them overnight.

I don't think you should expect anything better out of this guy. This is who he is. He isn't looking to grow as a person. It is sad for the kids, but his taking them won't make him pay an iota of attention to the.

It's sad because I don't think this is who he was. Never as I knew him. He was a dingbat but never cruel or selfish

Unfortunately any number of "good men" get caught up in their "new" families and leave their other children fatherless.

I guess they weren't good men after all...

It is what it is, unfortunately all around, and it doesn't seem as though there's much point trying to change these parents, unless you can counsel the mom a little to lay off screaming.

If Dad is willing to maybe have supper with the kids, or go somewhere together for at least part of his usual time with them, then at least they won't be totally without him for "a few weeks." Is he willing to bring them to his place to at least meet the baby (and maybe experience some of the crying, "have to keep quiet," and general disruption the baby causes)?

It sounds as though you are a guardian angel for all 3 of these kids! At least you can model an adult response, if neither parent can muster one, ie, not screaming, and maybe something age-appropriate along the lines of You'll still be seeing Dad even while you're not staying over, or Maybe Dad didn't think through how this would affect Mom, so Mom's upset, but they both love you... (hope that's true).

eta: Thank goodness you and your mom can give them some of the extra TLC every big brother, big sister needs when the baby comes home....

conandrob240 said:

I guess they weren't good men after all...

+1

Anyone who starts neglecting their relationship with their children due to a new spouse was only a good parent prior to because it was convenient.

Neutralize the situation by asking the kids if they would want to sleep there,, maybe the kids can help with the baby and give the parents a chance to catch up on their sleep. My sons have step nieces/nephews they absolutely adore - i get that its not the same but they may really bond with the baby...

ha! So, a brand new mother is going to leave her few day old infant with a 9 and 7 yr old while both parents sleep?!? Maybe I misread?

I don't know,maybe they would have bonded if they weren't being banished. I don't think the 9 yr old will bond. She's not a girly girl- doesn't like babies, can't stand the little brother she already has and hates every second of the fact dad remarried. She's been pulling away for months.

What a sad situation for your niece and nephew

Perhaps they could have a sleepover at Aunty Conandrob's when the baby is born?

Perhaps you may be able to take them out on a fun day out somewhere and maybe allow them to order a Dominos (or similar) pizza, where they can choose their own favorite toppings and give them the money to hand over to the delivery guy? I'm sure they'd love that, they would feel so grown up.

I'm divorced, a product of divorce, have stepparents, am a stepparent, and my spouse is remarried. My ex husband and his wife had a baby three years ago and my daughter was with them when his wife went into labor. I picked her up from Overlook at 2 am so they could labor and brought her back at 9 pm to meet her new sister. It's a happy memory for me - I know it's cherished by her father and stepmother. My ex has fifty percent custody of my little one. He didn't miss one day of his scheduled time. This isn't a divorced parent issue it's an adult issue. These people do not act like adults, based off of your posting history. You cannot teach someone basic decency - at a certain point you have it or you don't. I'm a 33 year old woman who struggles with resentments toward my half brother because of his parents behavior at the time of his birth. My half brother is 23 now. Your sister can tell your ex whatever she wants but she cannot make him listen or understand. You can only reinforce to their children that we don't always get the parents we deserve and be a consistent and loving presence in their lives, as you undoubtably are. Children see and understand more then we understand. I was nine when I realized my dad was a dick and my mom was a nut. I still turned out okay and love and forgive them anyway. When we know better, we do better. These people do not know better. I pray for their children and the innocent baby. And you.

Interesting read. Thanks for sharing. Believe me, the 9 year old knows what she's got for parents. She says "I didn't get great parents but I got the best nana/pop and aunt/uncle in the world so it balances out!" Poor,sweet child!

so, the father has his baby late Thursday night/Friday morning. Older kid upset and doesn't want to talk about it. Little kid is excited. Father stops by to see kids yesterday morning and little one says "can I come see the baby?". He actually tells the kid no, that stepmother isn't feeling well. Maybe next week. Shouldn't he have brought this kid to the hospital (yes, they are still in the hospital) to look at the baby through the window? I just don't get it.

You don't get it because there's no getting it. This is a person who has zero ability to show empathy and understanding to the feelings of others, based off your previous posts. There's the standard of what a reasonable person "should" do and there's what this person does. Just love on your niece and nephews the best you can and be there for them. Some questions don't have answers and these kids seem to get that - people don't always get the parents they deserve.

a good father and new wife would include the children In The happy event. It is called bonding. They are making a mistake. Once you have children their well being always needs to come first. 

neither parent puts the kids first. The kids continue to take a back seat. They were told a few weeks ago that their dad is “very tired” and needs to sleep in on Sundays. So, they can only come stay with him every other Sat night-Sunday. The kids were devastated. Little girl got mad and tried to tell him how she felt. He told her she was a drama queen and being selfish.

Last week little nephew broke his arm badly on dads watch. Skateboarding with no protective gear other than, get this, fathers motorcycle helmet. Yes, an adult motorcycle helmet. Kid fell weird ( um, maybe because he was so off balance with adult helmet?!?!) and with no elbow or wrist pads, badly broke his forearm. Terrible time trying to set it- his father left the room leaving kid with my father (grandpa) because it was a live X-ray and he didn’t want radiation. Flash forward to follow up visit on Thurs, turns out bones shifted and kid needed emergency surgery next day to have rods inserted. His father did not feel the need to take the day off of work. (He works for the USPS so days off is simple, plentiful and paid)

conandrob240 said:

not sure I understand the question? He doesn't want the kids more than those 2 nights. If he can't see them in a scheduled day, he doesn't try to make up a day and even if asked to by the kids or by her (for example, if she has to work), his answer is always "no". His thinking is he pays $ so they are her responsibility.

I ultimately think it's for the best because older kid really upset about the baby anyway but that's not really the point.

The older kid probably would not be freaked out by the baby if her/his Dad didn’t give them the impression that they are a scheduled chore that is likely to be dropped down the priority list.

Your sister is in a tough spot. She probably doesn’t want to cut the father of her children out or trash talk him, but maybe a discussion with the kids explaining that adults can be selfish and short-sighted and it doesn’t mean they’re not loved is in order.

I know fathers that ghosted early on and then grew up and came to their senses. You only hope that the kid is not so pissed that they (the kid) rejects them. 

It is my belief that a repaired relationship later in life with a parent is better than taking that resentment to the grave. I’m suggesting if the kids are old enough to understand explaining that sometimes adults act like buffoons, and selfish ones at that, but that we have to be open to forgiving them.

conandrob240 said:


Last week little nephew broke his arm badly on dads watch. Skateboarding with no protective gear other than, get this, fathers motorcycle helmet. Yes, an adult motorcycle helmet. Kid fell weird ( um, maybe because he was so off balance with adult helmet?!?!) and with no elbow or wrist pads, badly broke his forearm. Terrible time trying to set it- his father left the room leaving kid with my father (grandpa) because it was a live X-ray and he didn’t want radiation. Flash forward to follow up visit on Thurs, turns out bones shifted and kid needed emergency surgery next day to have rods inserted. His father did not feel the need to take the day off of work. (He works for the USPS so days off is simple, plentiful and paid)

This is just plain disgusting.  I have cancer, have had it since 2005.  In 2009 my son injured his foot and even though they didn't think it was broken they still wanted an x-ray just to be sure.  After confirming that I wasn't pregnant they put a lead apron on my and I stayed with my son and comforted him.  Radiation be damned, even as a cancer patient.  This is my kid who was laying on that table getting an x-ray.  The only way I would not have been there would have been if they had refused to let me in.

I feel worse and worse for those poor kids with every post you write. 

And this kid was in excruciating pain while they tried to set it. He had eaten so couldn’t be put under. His father cared about preserving his sperm over caring for his existing child. He prefers his Pop (my father) anyway so to the kid it was okay.

Any remaining ounce of decent or fond thought I had for my BIL evaporated when he did not take the day off to be at the hospital with his child last week when the kid had to have surgery. He is a disgusting excuse for a human being. ASI said, his job would gave easily allowed this and there would have been no financial or other repercussions. He didn’t want to be (or wasn’t allowed to be) around my sister for the day is my guess. 

To state the obvious, some people are just not cut out to be parents. Thankfully, you and Grandpa are in their lives. Dad's lack of interest may come back to bite him when his kids grow up and they no longer need him.