Ex's Wedding & Teen

conandrob240 said:

All he cares about is starting a new family with this woman. Apparently there's some huge rush I guess. like they are 18.

Well...isn't that nice. Guess you what...he already has one of those and she needs to be a part of that picture because it is already there. Give her the opportunity to love them as well... Or not. It is her life as well. $&@$&@  question  question  question 


yes, of course she knows he has children. It's selfish and childish but not some crazy clandestine secret life or anything. 

My biggest hope is that it's true what he says- that she is so excited about them and that she will be a kind and loving stepmother. Like I said, though, even if they adore her at some point, I have a hard time thinking that "some point" can be by October  but we'll see. 


conandrob240 said:

good points and I don't think there will be any horrible repercussions. Bad part is I can't talk to him yet. Not my place to tell him about the wedding

You are auntie. And I trust you have a relationship with daddy and I trust you have the grace to communicate with him that his children will always be a part of his life and how he includes them is more than a wedding ceremony to his SO. It very well can be your place to mention to him if he has thought about and looked at the bigger picture.

. His children will still be there and want to spend time with him.

. His new wife might feel resentful if not included in this relationship with his children.

. His children might feel abandoned and feel daddy prefers his new relationship over them if they are not accepted by her.

Hah! I love my own children. Together, we tackled the issues listed above. It is not insurmountable. Yet, it is such a blessing to see my eldest son learned from these struggles and did not repeat his father's mistakes.

That which does not kill us makes us stronger. Maybe it is god's will for auntie to be auntie and let life happen. I certainly do envy the relationship you have with your nephew. Maybe the dad needs to learn this stuff on his own and you can just focus on nephew and enjoy him. 

Yeah, that's probably more right than anything I previously said. Mea culpa.


conandrob240 said:

yes, of course she knows he has children. It's selfish and childish but not some crazy clandestine secret life or anything. 

My biggest hope is that it's true what he says- that she is so excited about them and that she will be a kind and loving stepmother. Like I said, though, even if they adore her at some point, I have a hard time thinking that "some point" can be by October  but we'll see. 

I like your point of view. "Not your place." And again, " We'll see."

All of my best wishes are being sent to you. Hang in there Auntie!  question  question  question 


Wow, what a messed up situation.  I feel bad for the kids and your sister. The Dad and new stepmom sound like they are in a fog.


don't feel too bad for my sister. She set the whole thing in motion and is almost as disinterested in her children as he is.

But, yes, it's a terrible situation.


The only part I think is "not my place" is telling them their father is getting married. But I may just make it my place next weekend when I am with oldest nephew. They deserve to react however they want and if their dad tells them he'll expect joy and if their mom tells them she's expect they pity her and hate new stepmom. They deserve to feel however they want without either influence.


What's interesting is that I have a daughter who professes to love her sons(my grandsons) and yet her actions to me do not seem to reflect what I know through my siblings, family and myself to be motherly instincts. Yes, will have a wonderful summer with aunties and she sends them off to my sisters who know how to love children. Not WITH her during her time given to her relationship with their father. When it was daddy's turn to have the kids, she went off backpacking across the country. Grandson, at the time 8 years old, had his dad call me in NY because he was hiding in the closet feeling so abandoned by his mom down here in FL. Daddy did not have the skills to comfort a child. I must have been on the phone with him for a long time, and convinced him that from NY we could both look at the moon together and know it was the same moon that we and daddy and mommy were under and he and I just looked at the moon and talked and laughed and had a great time. We were all connected again. I never left my daughter with her father as she was growing up for longer than a day. I had my children Tuesday and Thursday and every other weekend. Daddy had them Monday and Wednesday and every other weekend. When daddy wanted to take them away for 7 weeks in an rv for a cross country trip, I sent them off with self addressed stamped envelopes and writing paper. I was in such pain when they returned that I told daddy never again and it never happened again.

I guess my point is, auntie, you and I were blessed with concern and caring. I am retired now and living with my now 22 year old grandson. It is still remembered and cherished. His mom is still acting like a hippie teenager and grandson has lived through it and accepts her for what she is yet I know he cherishes the love I shower on him as well.  He accepts us both for what we mean to him. 

You will always be auntie.  rolleyes 


conandrob240 said:

The only part I think is "not my place" is telling them their father is getting married. But I may just make it my place next weekend when I am with oldest nephew. They deserve to react however they want and if their dad tells them he'll expect joy and if their mom tells them she's expect they pity her and hate new stepmom. They deserve to feel however they want without either influence.

I can't remotely see how this is your place to interfere.  You seem to be confusing how he will outwardly react to the news coming from either parent with how he will truly feel, and it seems like they're two different things.  If you're so inclined to get in the middle of it, at least make your plans known to his father so he can take the necessary steps (or defer-- whichever).  Right or wrong it's his son and his new marriage, and Somethin that may define (or redefine) their relationship going forward. 


Honestly, there's no "middle of it"- neither parent would care if I told the kids.  And no one would go behind anyone's back- I'd simply tell them I was going to have the conversation and the clueless parents would go "uh, duh, okay" and go back to their own selfish lives.  And yes, it is my judgment that the news would come best from myself or my husband.  Sad but true that it couldn't be best from their own parents but such is their lives.  They are parents mostly in name only, if that makes sense.  Neither of them have primary custody now, neither of them make many decisions for the kids- they just dump them with my mother and they keep up appearances by dropping by to take them for ice cream or an outing to the zoo or whatever.

There is now a reason that the older nephew must know so I am inclined to just tell him to ask about the conflict and resolve how he wants to handle the convention/wedding. 

But the question here was really about whether it was wrong (under circumstances described above) to let the kid miss the wedding.  I was feeling torn even though his dad said it was okay, trying to do the right thing. I am sensing from the responses that my misgivings about allowing him to opt out of the wedding may not be warranted and that, if anything, it may be a good thing. I feel less guilty about not making him go now.


Stay focused auntie. This event is months away. I wouldn't focus on how the parents react. I agree with alphabet man to focus on how nephew will truly feel. He hasn't met new wife/stepmom yet. Tell dad it's time to fess up to his 16 year old.

ctrzaska said:
conandrob240 said:

The only part I think is "not my place" is telling them their father is getting married. But I may just make it my place next weekend when I am with oldest nephew. They deserve to react however they want and if their dad tells them he'll expect joy and if their mom tells them she's expect they pity her and hate new stepmom. They deserve to feel however they want without either influence.

I can't remotely see how this is your place to interfere.  You seem to be confusing how he will outwardly react to the news coming from either parent with how he will truly feel, and it seems like they're two different things.  If you're so inclined to get in the middle of it, at least make your plans known to his father so he can take the necessary steps (or defer-- whichever).  Right or wrong it's his son and his new marriage, and Somethin that may define (or redefine) their relationship going forward. 

conandrob240

But the question here was really about whether it was wrong (under circumstances described above) to let the kid miss the wedding.  I was feeling torn even though his dad said it was okay, trying to do the right thing. I am sensing from the responses that my misgivings about allowing him to opt out of the wedding may not be warranted and that, if anything, it may be a good thing. I feel less guilty about not making him go now.

Yay! No reason to feel guilty. He has two parents that are oblivious but a wonderful auntie that loves him. That love for him is something he will always cherish and you guys will share for a lifetime. I have learned you can't fix the parents and there is no reason to go through angst over it. My grandson @ 22 years old  has taught me he accepts his mom for who she is and no longer has expectations for her to be  anything more to him than she was in the past. 


No wedding.

In your nephew's situation, it is always the right thing to do what is best for HIM. Never mind teaching him about the "right" thing to do for a typical boy in a typical family growing up typically. If you use that as a guiding principle—always do what is best for HIM—then you'll always know what to do.

Just think:  Nobody (except you) EVER considers him and his feelings and his interests. It would be unbearable—REALLY unbearable—for him to have to give up the ONLY thing in life that interests him because he has to consider his father. 

Did his father consider him before getting engaged to a woman without even introducing his children to her? Did his father consider him before setting a date without checking his children's availability? Does his father consider him when he barely sees him? And you think you have to teach your nephew to consider his father and give up the one thing he is living for?

 Besides, a woman committed to marrying a man with three (troubled) kids without ever meeting the kids? Mark my words—within a year either the marriage will be over or the dad won't being seeing his kids at all.


I can't stop thinking of you and your nephew. Do what your heart tells you to do.   No blame, no shaming...just let your nephew know that what is in your heart is what is best for him and that you will support him in whatever his choice is with reasonable discussion that he is thinking what is best for him and not concern himself with what others might think or that he has to make a hasty decision.

He might surprise you and agree with his dad. No big deal. 

He might say he wants to meet her before he decides. 

5 months from now is a long time. 


Lots of great insights here. MOL demonstrates how crowdsourcing can arrive at wisdom and compassion. At least sometimes.


In this situation, I don't think the wedding between the two has anything to do with his kids and I highly doubt the teen would have any interest in going. Even in a more "normal" situation, the teen likely wouldn't want to go. But what is the "right" thing (ie what the adult should make a teen do)--given that the dad hasn't introduced the kids to the fiancee, it doesn't seem like there is any obligation. From the outside, it seems like an impulsive type arrangement, but I don't think that has much bearing on the dad's future relationship with his kids. As you have described the difficulties your sister has created, this could be a way for him to rebound/recover (and still be a good dad to his kids). Sorry to sound harsh about your sister and I do feel empathy for her dealing with mental illness.


berkeley said:

In this situation, I don't think the wedding between the two has anything to do with his kids and I highly doubt the teen would have any interest in going. 

If I were to ever marry again I couldn't imagine not involving my kids.  That the father started planning the wedding without even informing the kids (checking schedules, letting them know that it is even happening, etc) is very telling.  I understand that dates aren't picked around everyone's schedules, but you at least make an effort to have your fricking children there. I don't hold much optimism that this parent will make an effort to make sure that his existing children are a true part of his new family.


Yeah, I do fear that once this takes place these kids will be all but abandoned by their father. The father & his girlfriend are actively trying for a baby and I fear that will be devastating to the kids and they will be routed to the backseat. Or a totally diff route- the father will try to get custody bc he doesn't want to pay my sister any $.


Both he and my sister live in their own worlds. They think the world revolves around them. they each live their lives like they have no children, making whatever plans they want. He usually sees them Saturday night but didn't this week bc he went to a wedding so he calls them on Saturday and tells them how much fun he's having at this wedding. Such a jackass. The kids actually prefer to be with my mother or me so its ok but who calls and tells their little kid how much fun they are having on the night you are supposed to be with them? Just call, say goodnight and I miss you. Period.


Maybe you can adopt them? Cause that's what they need. This wedding will be so sad for them, and then followed by a baby who gets more attention?  What are these parents thinking?


nan said:

Maybe you can adopt them? Cause that's what they need. This wedding will be so sad for them, and then followed by a baby who gets more attention?  What are these parents thinking?

The parents would have to agree to give up their parental rights. 


believe me, I would do anything to adopt them. There is no actual abuse (as a court would see it) and it's really, really hard (almost impossible) to have a child removed and, in this case, I'd have to prove two were incompetent and abusive. There's no way. If they weren't so self-involved they might go what's best for them but then they'd have to see themselves as less than perfect parents- which is what they think they are.


I am surprised the Dad wouldn't be very disappointed his son won't be at his wedding?



boomie said:

I am surprised the Dad wouldn't be very disappointed his son won't be at his wedding?

Dad hasn't even introduced kids and fiancee.


boomie said:

I am surprised the Dad wouldn't be very disappointed his son won't be at his wedding?

I think he will be.  But the first thing he said after saying "oh, that would be a bummer- disappointing" was that he knew how much the kid was looking forward to the convention and it's okay if he wants to go. At least there's some level of care about the kid's happiness somewhere in there. 

I guess I don't understand how a parent in this situation can think his kids are going to be thrilled for him.  It was an ugly, ugly mess that wasn't fully over (from a parents not being together perspective) until around October.  Everyone is reeling and very, very raw and sad.  They don't know the fiancée.  I guess that expectation that everyone is going to be so happy just comes from being really, really self-centered and clueless.   I do hope in time everyone is happy but I cant imagine the stages of acceptance of this all the way through happiness are going to occur in a few months time.


I worry about the kids in this scenario.  Dad is divorced from his ex-wife, not his children.  The children remain a part of his life going forward, whether he sees things that way or not.  The future step-mother and his children should have an opportunity to really get to know each other before the wedding. Is he more afraid of how the children or his intended bride will react if they meet sooner than planned?  IMHO it would be much worse for the children's well being for the father to spring this wedding on the children last minute.  It sends a terrible message.

As for the question asked in the OP, I think the decision has to be the teenager's made in consultation with his father.  Teen needs to take his own needs and the needs of his younger siblings into account  in making this decision.


Who is he afraid of? Neither. My sister.  Always my sister.  She still controls him.

I don't think the intention is to spring it on them last minute 9although one could argue October is already fairly last minute).  The June meeting month was agreed to by him and my sister so that is what he's waiting for, I am sure.

The father already said that the teen can not attend if he prefers so there is no additional consultation needed.  It's now down to 1) let the teen make the decision or 2) I alter the trip and make decision for teen to attend.  My concern was weighing him down with a decision he probably doesn't want to make and making it for him to do the "right" thing and attend or give him an "out" if he wants it. 


not really. Sort of. Conference is 3 days and we could feasibly make it by about 10am for the last day that ends at 5pm. He has a bunch of fan friends he has planned to meet for a city tour on Fri am and then attending the conf Fri 2-7pm and all day Sat and Sun. He has dinner plans with these kids also Fri & Sat night so if we went Sunday he'd be giving up most of the convention and the time he planned with these kids. 


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