Is it rude to ask people to join me in a drink at a bar to celebrate my birthday but not pay for everyone's drink?
You are throwing a party. I think that because you sent out an invitation, there's a more than even chance that at least some your guests will expect you to cover their drinks. (Depends in part, I guess, on how the invitation was worded.)
PS Happy birthday!
I don't think it's rude, but it's potentially confusing. Invite probably should have said something like, "sorry, cash bar!"
Agree you should at least buy first round. Perhaps ask the bartender(s) to explain the situation to guests - "this first one is on h4daniel."
I suppose if your financial situation isn't particularly strong, and the guests know this, you could email/text folks and say, "sorry, friends, but this needs to be a cash bar."
This all sounds like good advice, but here’s another way to look at it: If an old acquaintance you haven’t seen in a while says they’re using their birthday as an excuse to get folks together at a bar, are you expecting free drinks, or are you looking forward to fighting with everyone else over who buys drinks for the birthday pal?
Just my 2 cents here: Personally, I would never ask, invite, or suggest people gather in order to mark my birthday, without picking up the full tab. Honestly, and I do not in any way intend to be hurtful or insulting, I think to do this in any other manner is poor form.
If I'm going to a bar for someone's birthday, I hardly ever expect free drinks, unless they've booked out a specific area for the party or stipulated that it's an open bar of some kind. It's up to us to buy drinks for the birthday friend and SO if they're at the party.
As a courtesy, I have sometimes shelled out for appetizers to share with party guests so they don't also have to buy food, but when it's a casual show-up-whenever bar get-together, I would never expect someone to buy my drinks for me.
cubby said:
Just my 2 cents here: Personally, I would never ask, invite, or suggest people gather in order to mark my birthday, without picking up the full tab. Honestly, and I do not in any way intend to be hurtful or insulting, I think to do this in any other manner is poor form.
I'm adding to this. Maybe it has to do with age as well. I'm over 50. I think for younger people it might be different. And, obviously, my opinion is just that and clearly not what the majority of posters think. Happy birthday!
cubby said:
cubby said:I'm adding to this. Maybe it has to do with age as well. I'm over 50. I think for younger people it might be different. And, obviously, my opinion is just that and clearly not what the majority of posters think. Happy birthday!
Just my 2 cents here: Personally, I would never ask, invite, or suggest people gather in order to mark my birthday, without picking up the full tab. Honestly, and I do not in any way intend to be hurtful or insulting, I think to do this in any other manner is poor form.
I'm knocking on 50's door, so maybe once I'm past it things will change. But if I announced I was having birthday drinks at, say, The Cassidy, and that I'd cover the bar tab. The way my friends can drink? I'd need to win a powerball, or sell a million books to cover it.
Ok I picked a place in the city for the atmosphere, and invited a lot of people that I have not seen in ages - not sure at the head count yet, but wow I will go under paying for everyone's first round. And I took it into my own hands because no one was throwing me a party, and it is a big birthday, but I don't want to pay for everybody!!!! I am there with you Ridski. Now I must send out another invite with a clarification. I feel like I am in a bind and may appear to be a jerk. Ugh!!!
h4daniel said:
I feel like I am in a bind and may appear to be a jerk. Ugh!!!
Best-case scenario: “Here’s to h4! Thanks for getting us all together!”
Worst-case scenario: “Here’s to h4! You always were a cheapskate! Thanks for getting us all together!”
I was part of a get together with a group that was a 'mostly pay your own way' thing, and the email was phrased something like:
"Looking forward to seeing everyone! Appetizers of ___ and ___ are on me!"
(So, other than those few large appetizers for the table, everyone ordered and paid for their own other stuff).
Grab your bestest friend, and ask him/her to send out the invite. They can say "Let's get together to celebrate h4daniel's birthday by meeting at xxx and buy him/her a drink, etc." That way you get the free drinks that we all deserve on our birthdays.
h4daniel said:
Ok I picked a place in the city for the atmosphere, and invited a lot of people that I have not seen in ages - not sure at the head count yet, but wow I will go under paying for everyone's first round. And I took it into my own hands because no one was throwing me a party, and it is a big birthday, but I don't want to pay for everybody!!!! I am there with you Ridski. Now I must send out another invite with a clarification. I feel like I am in a bind and may appear to be a jerk. Ugh!!!
The way this is worded (and especially if many of the people aren’t living in NYC), I’d be assuming it was a “party” if I were invited and would have the expectation that food & drinks would be provided. Maybe change it to a party in your house/yard so that you can provide the food/drinks for a few hundred $?
You cannot really send a clarifying email now without sounding kind of jerky. The only option is switch venue to a place you can afford to foot the bill
h4daniel said:
Ok I picked a place in the city for the atmosphere, and invited a lot of people that I have not seen in ages - not sure at the head count yet, but wow I will go under paying for everyone's first round. And I took it into my own hands because no one was throwing me a party, and it is a big birthday, but I don't want to pay for everybody!!!! I am there with you Ridski. Now I must send out another invite with a clarification. I feel like I am in a bind and may appear to be a jerk. Ugh!!!
No way you're going to appear to be a jerk. Lived in the city most of my life and people always got together in a bar for birthdays and its understood the birthday boy or girl is sent drinks.
Happy Birthday!
Thank you for all the advice - I appreciate it. I wish that I had a friend send out the invite like Mem said or sent the email that Sprout suggested. I needed to consult here before I sent out that email!
Morganna said:
h4daniel said:No way you're going to appear to be a jerk. Lived in the city most of my life and people always got together in a bar for birthdays and its understood the birthday boy or girl is sent drinks.
Ok I picked a place in the city for the atmosphere, and invited a lot of people that I have not seen in ages - not sure at the head count yet, but wow I will go under paying for everyone's first round. And I took it into my own hands because no one was throwing me a party, and it is a big birthday, but I don't want to pay for everybody!!!! I am there with you Ridski. Now I must send out another invite with a clarification. I feel like I am in a bind and may appear to be a jerk. Ugh!!!
Happy Birthday!
He doesn’t live in the city (and I imagine, many of the invited people don’t either). It’s not at all the same thing as telling a bunch of people to meet up at a bar for drinks. Sounds like it was worded as a birthday party asking people to travel into the city to celebrate. If I received the invitation, I’d be expecting a party with food/drinks and I’d be bringing a gift. (I wouldn’t have necessarily cared one way or the other but based on the way this sounds, it would be what I’d show up expecting)
I'm sorry, but on what planet would a bunch of friends get together for someone's birthday and be offended that the birthday person is not treating them? Even if bp offered to pay, wouldn't they insist that the friends pay for everything?
Or am I weird?
drummerboy said:
I'm sorry, but on what planet would a bunch of friends get together for someone's birthday and be offended that the birthday person is not treating them? Even if bp offered to pay, wouldn't they insist that the friends pay for everything?
Or am I weird?
The wrinkle is that the bp is arranging the gathering, which isn’t usually the case. I think it’s a great idea — not everyone is going to know who’s on bp’s long-time-no-see list, let alone bp’s birth date — and I’m still on your side. But that’s the twist that h4daniel has raised.
drummerboy said:
I'm sorry, but on what planet would a bunch of friends get together for someone's birthday and be offended that the birthday person is not treating them? Even if bp offered to pay, wouldn't they insist that the friends pay for everything?
Or am I weird?
This one time you're not weird, db.
DaveSchmidt said:
drummerboy said:The wrinkle is that the bp is arranging the gathering, which isn’t usually the case. I think it’s a great idea — not everyone is going to know who’s on bp’s long-time-no-see list, let alone bp’s birth date — and I’m still on your side. But that’s the twist that h4daniel has raised.
I'm sorry, but on what planet would a bunch of friends get together for someone's birthday and be offended that the birthday person is not treating them? Even if bp offered to pay, wouldn't they insist that the friends pay for everything?
Or am I weird?
Well, none of us have actually seen the invite (which I guess means we're not invited), but whenever I've done this, it's always been an informal invitation reading something like:
Hey friends! My birthday's coming up this weekend and on Friday I thought I'd celebrate at my favorite place - THE HANGOUT BAR! I'll be there from 3.15pm because who wants to be FIRST for HAPPY HOUR (3-7)! Please feel free to join us anytime, we'll stay until we can't sit on the stools anymore. Did I mention this place has AIR HOCKEY? It's super cool. So bring your bad selves (no gifts!) on Friday and kick it with ridski.
Obvs, there would be some beer and cocktail cartoons strewn around the perimeter, and maybe a sign-up sheet for Uber drivers.
this above would sound to me like I was expected to pay my own way (and treat the birthday boy!) Something about the way OP described it did NOT sound like that to me which is what I based my assumption on.
you can try saying something like...."I got such a great response....didn't expect so many. Unfortunately it will cost more than I expected to buy drinks for everyone....I'm open to suggestions, should I call it off or would people like to come and contribute to the celebration?"
Not rude at all. Anyone who thinks that YOU should buy THEM drinks on YOUR birthday, should probably decline the invitation. Any time I've ever been invited to a bar to celebrate a friend's birthday, it's either everyone goes Dutch or the invitees all pick up the tab for the birthday boy/girl.
Just had a friend celebrate in this way. We took turns buying drinks for who ever was in need when heading to the bar. Went to a pizza place when we all felt hungry, and each bought our own slices.
The same person has previously rented out a bar and provided food and beer and wine, with cash bar for spirits. For some reason, when he said, "Let's go out drinking for my birthday this year," I understood it to be a different invitation.
It might have been the difference between getting a group e-mail vs an evite invitation.
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I sent out an invite to join me at a bar to have a drink to celebrate my birthday. I wanted this not to be a party, but a chance to grab a drink and see people I have not seen in awhile.
Is this rude because I am not throwing a party with food and drinks?