Having been through this extremely difficult postpartum period several times, I can empathize. Many of us in the Maplewood community can offer you referrals. Shame on you, "RobB," for choosing toilet humor and misogynist jokes instead of helping out.
A friend of mine works for CalmBabyRN and it sounds great!
http://www.calmbabyrn.com/
(No personal experience as my kids are in their 20s, but no grandkids yet.)
I'd love to hear recommendations for baby nurses or post partum doulas in the area who offer night services