When t Worry about a teen?

yes, that is one of the plans I have swirling around in my head.


Of course you are worried...but what I keep hearing through this thread (and previous threads) is a focus on college.  It seems possible to me that his lessening interest in spending time with you might be due to the focus on how to improve his grades and get him into college.  

Sending a kid with no motivation to college is approximately as effective as flushing $100 bills down the toilet -- even motivated kids get into trouble with the college transition.  To me, he sounds like an excellent candidate for a "gap year" (or years) doing work and living anywhere but in his parents home. Whether it is working in fast food, or going elsewhere in the world, it is about growing independence and figuring of if/why he wants to put the effort into college.

I wouldn't take a planned vacation away from him, period.

It may also be that his best social environments are ones with a strong activity focus to them, rather than just "hanging out", as is true for many of the more introverted of my friends/family.  The shared interest gives everyone a reason to be in the room, and friendships can follow, rather than relying on pre-existing friendships as the reason to be there.  (True whether the activity is religion-based, volunteer work or gaming club).

Crazy thought ...since he is such a fan of Walking Dead, have a look at these links and see if you think that immersive Zombie Apocalypse roleplaying might be for him...real community and engagement, in the woods, with foam weapons and a complex ongoing storyline (I have some knowledge of this, and am happy to discuss offline/via PM).  I don't remember where he lives, but there are multiple locations beyond NJ.

http://www.dystopiarisingnj.com/

http://www.theverge.com/2014/8/8/5980653/dystopia-rising-the-larp-at-the-end-of-the-world


I actually spend little to no time right now talking to him about college. I ask him how school is and if I hear he is failing something I may say " sorry you are having trouble. Promise me you'll try harder or ask for help because you can't fail a class". I think once or twice I've asked him if he wants to go to college (yes) and what he wants to do (filmmaking, computers) but I rarely discuss college with him or push him about his grades so, no. I really think the lack of interest is simply a teenager not wanting to drive 2 hrs in a car and then be away from his computer, PS4, etc. 

But the rest of this is good advice and I think he'd love the interactive apocalypse thing. Right now, we gave two walker stalker conventions, a comic con type convention and a disney trip planned. I know he is very excited about all those things as he is constantly posting "days until" countdowns on his twitter. I'll try to think of more things we can do like that.


Dont forget hormones are raging as well. Sex and sexuality has got to be on his mind. Any offer of fresh clothes, hair cuts, or even braces might be well -received. Help him formulate his own identity IRL, outside of the TV show, outside of his immediate family.

There are legions of basement dwelling male teenagers. Many have self-esteem issues and choose to isolate themselves rather than suffer the slings and arrows of comments/ interaction with other teens. 


LOL "legions of basement dwelling male teenagers"

I try to entice him with new sneakers but he still cares little about what he wears. He does show an interest when we go on a cruise or something like that. He had braces already and he's a very good- looking kid. I know he has self-esteem issues occasionally he'll say how dumb he thinks he is or that he's ugly LOL


look into a summer program in computers or film making.  A lot of colleges and universities have fabulous summer programs for high schoolers.  It would get him away from home and he would be doing something he has interest in.


Don't those college programs have grade/academic requirements? 

he did filmmaking cam here a few summers ago but he has aged out of that.  And the catch 22 - if he does that, he can't get a job...


There are all sorts of PRE-COLLEGE summer programs for kids 16 and up.  They really don't give a flip about grades - they are there to expose kids to new things (and take their parent's money!)

FIT, Pratt, Parsons and Brown are places to begin with. Also look at Blueprint Summer programs for courses in Colorado, California, Florida etc.  http://www.bpsummerprograms.com/

Perhaps a trip overseas to Thailand or India to help kids learn English or build wells for drinking water would be a good "change of scenery"! 


kmk said:

There are all sorts of PRE-COLLEGE summer programs for kids 16 and up.  They really don't give a flip about grades - they are there to expose kids to new things (and take their parent's money!)

FIT, Pratt, Parsons and Brown are places to begin with. Also look at Blueprint Summer programs for courses in Colorado, California, Florida etc.  http://www.bpsummerprograms.com/

Perhaps a trip overseas to Thailand or India to help kids learn English or build wells for drinking water would be a good "change of scenery"! 

I think these are great ideas.  If they are more acceptable to him than a summer job, then I think it's fine.  YMMV.


Rustic Pathways is a well known and well respected company for trips like kmk mentioned.  They also do gap year programs.


A summer experience like those referenced above can be a game changer! Gets them out of their routine, exposes them to new people, places, ideas. Most aren't competitive but now is the time to apply or sign up. Lots of universities have high school immersion or enrichment programs. Just look at the websites of those schools that are convenient.


I'm a very big fan of Rustic Pathways' service projects. RP is currently engaged in post-cyclone restoration work in Fiji, where several of its programs are held.


I ordered brochures about some of these trips a year ago thinking he'd be thrilled because he loves to travel and he looked at me like I was crazy and said "no way".  Zero interest.


Sometimes it takes a lot to get a closed teen out of his comfort zone. But the payoff is that he sees himself as a person who can make a difference. It is worth the effort.


Yes.  But I cannot convince him to travel halfway around the world for weeks and serve the community if he doesn't want to.  Baby steps, here.  Maybe I am not conveying his lack of interest clearly enough. It's like this- getting him interested in a weekend activity would feel like a huge victory right now.  I am thinking much smaller scale like a club at school, a weekend activity with friends, a PT job he has even the slightest interest in or perhaps a local filmmaking course or program. 

But these programs outward bound-type programs do look great for a teen that has some interest, for sure. 


You don't need to travel half way around the world to have an experience like this. Just google "teen summer program NJ" etc. The home environment is a big problem here so finding a way to get him out, even for a few weeks seems like it would be worth trying. He doesn't have to love it or be super enthusiastic. But he needs help finding it and paying for it.


you should not overlook the mental health aspect.  If he is really as uninterested in things - even those things he once loved-,like traveling, etc and hyper focused on one thing ( tv show), then I'd say it is likely he is suffering from Depression.


I'd say it's not a change in behavior. He has never been motivated around or interested in much of anything even as a child. It's not that he's not interested in travel- he'd still love to go on a cruise, for example- he's just not interested in those programs at all. Domestic or otherwise.

But, yes, depression is still a possibility and one of the reasons I am worried.


earlier in the thread you said he nixed a trip idea because he'd miss his show .  Low level depression, common with ADHD , is easy to pass off as a personality trait , or just moodiness.


Sometimes just having a conversation with a teen about available options/opportunities - even if they are outrageous and, even if it pisses them off - gets a teen thinking.  When they say "no" to 19 of 20 options you are a winner!  

One of our children got into trouble, we TOLD her what she had to do to atone for her "sins".  She was so horrified at our suggestion of a volunteer activity that she ACTIVELY sought out one that she thought she might like better.  (Who knew?!)

Wouldn't you know, she absolutely loves her new volunteer gig.  Her punishment was for a fixed number of weeks and as of this week she is no longer required to do this particular volunteer service. She enjoys it so much (and the folks depend on her so much) that she is going to continue until the end of the school year.


I am really glad that worked out for your daughter.  She sounds awesome. 


conandrob240, Thank you (I think).  

My message is that rather than trying to protect him from the outside world, you try and shake things up a bit. When things get messy you can watch for a breakthrough that could help him become more self-aware. 


My message is what works for your teen may not work for another (but I do think your daughter sounds very cool).

I am in no way trying to protect him from the outside world. I don't think the outward bound type programs are the right thing to push for him right now for many reasons. 

But thanks for the suggestions and some of them in this thread seem a great match for him and will be considered.


conandrob240: he's very lucky to have you in his life. Good luck and please (if you think it's appropriate) keep us updated.


Will do. I am going to see him weekend after next (he says he wants to join me and his uncle for overnight in NYC for my birthday) so we'll have some time then. My biggest concern right now is whether this is "normal" or is he suffering from depression so I want to convince his parents to take him to a doc for some diagnosis.


Sometimes teens need a push. One of mine declined to sign up for either of two excellent summer programs he has participated in previous summers (and enjoyed) in lieu of applying for a paid 4 week job. Well, he didn't get the job and the other programs are closed now. His fantasy is to stay home doing nothing but staying in his room and playing video games for 10 weeks. 

So we gave him a choice: Option A: sign up for this sleep away camp for 4 weeks which still has openings, or Option B: sign-up for a local camp as a counselor-in-training (not paid), and we'll give you as a treat a two-week art program at Parsons for teens. There was no option for doing nothing and since he couldn't find an alternative he had to choose from ours. He chose option B because he doesn't want to go away this summer.

I hope you can find him some options and help him out of his malaise and possibly depression. I would be very concerned. On a bright note next week is the finale of TWD so missing his show won't be an excuse until late fall!


conandrob240 said:

Will do. I am going to see him weekend after next (he says he wants to join me and his uncle for overnight in NYC for my birthday) so we'll have some time then. My biggest concern right now is whether this is "normal" or is he suffering from depression so I want to convince his parents to take him to a doc for some diagnosis.

I believe everyone could benefit from an impartial person/professional to talk to about their life and struggles - we all have them. Perhaps you can suggest to his parents they he see a therapist out of general wellness. Framing the therapy as looking for or ruling out a diagnosis may be a deterrent for your nephew and his parents.


No one would say that to the nephew, of course. I think his parents need a push to understand that he may be depressed so saying it to them since they are oblivious is critical.

He refused therapy in the past (last year)- and by refused I meant was taken there, session paid and he simply refused to communicate.  Yes, you can push but there's only so much you can do if the teen won't cooperate. We can certainly try again with a different therapist and that is a good suggestion.

No one is saying he doesn't need a push but I think the type of push depends on the kid and the circumstances.  Pushing for an outward bound volunteerism program is not what I am going to be attempting with this kid right now.   Again, though, I am super-glad it worked for your kid. 


Well, there is Fear The Walking Dead starting! LOL

NizhoniGrrrl said:

Sometimes teens need a push. One of mine declined to sign up for either of two excellent summer programs he has participated in previous summers (and enjoyed) in lieu of applying for a paid 4 week job. Well, he didn't get the job and the other programs are closed now. His fantasy is to stay home doing nothing but staying in his room and playing video games for 10 weeks. 

So we gave him a choice: Option A: sign up for this sleep away camp for 4 weeks which still has openings, or Option B: sign-up for a local camp as a counselor-in-training (not paid), and we'll give you as a treat a two-week art program at Parsons for teens. There was no option for doing nothing and since he couldn't find an alternative he had to choose from ours. He chose option B because he doesn't want to go away this summer.

I hope you can find him some options and help him out of his malaise and possibly depression. I would be very concerned. On a bright note next week is the finale of TWD so missing his show won't be an excuse until late fall!

Cut the TV and Internet until his grades are above a C.    Doesn't like it?  Boohoo. 


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