The Vestibular Monologues: Pottery and Pilates

Yes, it is true. I think it also proves that none of us really want to know what is going on in other people's marriages.   

Now that's very true! 

lisat said:

I enjoyed listening and watching some of your concert today, Peggy. Thanks for posting it on FB. I also pointed you out to my husband and explained how I knew you and that if you lived nearby we would be friends. Sigh. I am finding this re-rooting from Maplewood to Maine to be really, really difficult. We give up the South Orange apartment in a month, and then I will not be able to say I live in SOMA. I try to use you as an example, you and a few other people who moved at the same time I did, but I am a whiner.

LisaT, I would be interested in hearing what you find difficult.  I think making transitions as a senior is not easy; I compare it with changes I have made in my past, and I notice that I find myself unwilling to accept the new culture in many instances.  I don't want to go with the flow.  I want it my way.  I believe that my way is reasonable, but my surroundings do things in a manner that is objectionable to me.  I find the culture hard to accept.  I am in a new country, though it was the country where I spent my childhood, the culture of my mother, but it is not mine.  

You find leaving your apartment hard?  i found it somewhat difficult.  I liked the deer in the back yard and all the wildlife.  I don't miss the property taxes.  I miss the access to everything I want; here in Chile they don't have many of the things I could buy with ease, and it is inconvenient.  

I can't find a job, and the retirement which seems to have been imposed on me is not something that I was ready for.  I like the free time, but I don't like not having the extra income. 

I've been here a year, and I find that at first I am annoyed that I don't have what I expect, but that with time I find suitable alternatives.  It takes time, but it is there.  People are people, and they get their needs addressed, so you have to find out how they solve problems in your new environment.

I would love to read your thoughts. 

I whine plenty, LisaT, just not as much here as I might. 

The transplantation has been a very difficult process for me. I was also forced into retirement, like Copihue, and the lack of purposeful work is very strange. I also struggle mightily with the necessity of moving on from my old self -- I am not who I was before I got sick at all, and there are days when it is hard to get out of bed, and when I want to bite the next person who posts something on FB about being positive. 

We left behind some very good friends in SOMA, and because I am an introvert and have social anxiety, I have not been able to do much about that here. The singing helps a lot, but during summer I don't have that structure, so I feel at loose ends. 

The bottom line is I'm severely depressed and struggle against it every day. I am afraid to go out alone to do very much because of the dizziness. If I am alone, staggering around a grocery store, farmers market, or antique store is, well, not enough of a reward to compensate for the fear, exhaustion, and discomfort. 

I'm working on it. I go to the gym with Jim once a week, work out at home with light Dumbbells, do a little yoga, and splash around in the pool three or four times a week. I'm still knitting. I sing on my own. I am trying to get up the courage to invite my friends who started the Renaissance chorale over for dinner and singing. But even having people over seems like such a tall order to me. The physical labor of cleaning the house properly and preparing good food for a small group feels very daunting. 

Yeah, okay, I'm whining. But a lot of the time it really, really sucks, and finding the motivation to rise above is sorely lacking these days.

Motivation is key. I need to find a way to get myself out the door to a Pilates or yoga class, or get off the sofa and finally get the bedrooms in good order. But so far... not happening.

"I want to bite the next person who posts something on FB about being positive"

+100

Peggy, re: having people over, 29-yo Son 2 has found a solution for his tiny apartment and limited cooking background.  He loves having people over for dinner, and it would never never happen if he had to prepare the food, so he orders in.  Everyone talks, has fun, and is grateful for a yummy, free, no-labor meal.  Well, no labor unless you count walking up 3 floors.  If you have favorite specialty stores nearby, or farmers market, or local products, or restaurants with take-home, plus Jim's choices of wine, voila!  

This doesn't take care of the cleaning, but there's always low lighting, and the deck.  And flowers in the bathroom, which I was told many years ago will cause guests not to notice anything else.

Hugs from afar, and very sorry your troubles are still so... troubling.  Since you hadn't been mentioning, I was hopeful things had eased up for you.

cheers

my son has invited me for a 4th of July party on the beach with his new girlfriend and friends that are in their 40's to 70's so it should be a perfect group for me. He'll pick me up and all I have to do is make it to the beach.

I still feel like a hermit and have no interest in going.

Those are very good thoughts, MJC. I will give some thought to places where we could get good takeout. If we have folks over who like Indian food, there is a very good place Jim could pick up from, not far from his job. Not much very locally other than pizza. Quite different in that regard from NYC or SOMA. But still very well worth considering. 

OOTG, I know exactly what you mean. It takes a pretty good shove to get me to go anywhere these days. I get into a rhythm when it is for a choir, but that's about it. I keep hoping I can get involved in workout classes as a regular, scheduled thing. Still working on that.

I could always ask my brother and his girlfriend over and put them to work. They are both foodies. But I sometimes wonder whether my brother and I really have it in us to be "friends." 

The reason I don't post much about health issues any more is I more or less hit a plateau ahile ago. Not much point posting when nothing changes and the doctors started shrugging.

Uch. Drs shrugging is my demise as well. I still enjoy talking on the phone with 4 of my sisters so I am not completely a hermit. It's just that I feel such ennui. I bought myself a new violin bow thinking that would spark my interest in playing again. Nada.

Uch. I just want to be left alone. Me and Netflix and fb and MOL.

I do hate that  my children want  more from me and all I want is for them to be happy, tell me about their lives, and to go on and be happy. I just have no interest in being included.

oh my goodness peggyc, you hit a chord when you mentioned your brother and you being friends. My brother Chas would come and visit on a whim. My sisters or I would have no more than a phone call before he'd arrive within hours. And of course we'd be so excited he chose us that the house would get whipped into shape, his favorite beer in the frig, and adventures planned for a beach picnic or cool restaurant. I bet your brother feels this way about you. Give him a couple of hours notice and go visit him! Man, I miss those days...

Sad to say, but that approach would not work at all with my brother. He is extremely introverted and a bit of a misanthrope; besides, he is never at his own place these days. He practically lives with his new(ish) girlfriend, who is quite reserved. I have spent far too long trying to create openings for a friendship with him, all to no avail. He only has use for me when he wants to complain, which gets exhausting. Not all siblings can be friends. I think you and your sisters were very lucky to have had Chas.

Regarding the ennui and your kids, they are most likely trying to help break you out of that ennui. I would bet the invitations are less of a demand and more of an intended kindness. However, as an outsider, I could have that all wrong.

Peggy, Indian is Son's go-to, and it seems to work for a variety of people.  Not all hot, lots of vegetarian, add maybe some fruit and 1 nifty dessert (or peaches and ice cream for summer), and enjoy.

(me, the way things are right now, i tend to envy you ladies with material alone-time, though i know i should count my blessings, esp. health.)

Like as the waves make towards the pebbled shore,

So do our minutes hasten to their end;

Each changing place with that which goes before,

In sequent toil all forwards do contend.

Nativity, once in the main of light,

Crawls to maturity, wherewith being crown'd,

Crooked eclipses 'gainst his glory fight,

And Time, that gave, doth now his gift confound.

Time doth transfix the flourish set on youth,

And delves the parallels in beauty's brow;

Feeds on the rarities of nature's truth,

And nothing stands but for his scythe to mow:

   And yet, to times in hope my verse shall stand,

   Praising thy worth, despite his cruel hand.

William Shakespeare (1564-1616)

PeggyC said:

Sad to say, but that approach would not work at all with my brother. He is extremely introverted and a bit of a misanthrope; besides, he is never at his own place these days. He practically lives with his new(ish) girlfriend, who is quite reserved. I have spent far too long trying to create openings for a friendship with him, all to no avail. He only has use for me when he wants to complain, which gets exhausting. Not all siblings can be friends. I think you and your sisters were very lucky to have had Chas.

Regarding the ennui and your kids, they are most likely trying to help break you out of that ennui. I would bet the invitations are less of a demand and more of an intended kindness. However, as an outsider, I could have that all wrong.

Sorry to hear that about your brother. Not all of my siblings are friends either. One sister of ours is like that. The thing is she has always been like that and we choose to love her, let her complain and compartmentalize her life. To an outsider she seems selfish yet having grown up with her, we know the difficulties she has with her control issues. And the rest of us have each other to bounce our experiences with her off of each other so we better understand her and find comfort in each other to not take offense. It's very good he found a girlfriend.  You may miss him but at least you don't have to worry about him.

Regarding the ennui and my kids, you are 100% right about their kindness. I just feel they are grown and I need more time to process this retirement thing. I have been there for them probably overcompensating as a provider for their grown needs. Their father died last August. Thank god they loved him and are still grieving over the loss of him. They are just coming to terms with the changed status of my reduced income and my need for control over my money situation. They are adjusting to my interdependency with my grandson who lives with me. I think my daughter and my youngest son thought I would have one of them live with me. I chose my 22 year old grandson and his two renters to keep us afloat. It works for us. My daughter  came to live with me for three months and it was horrific how she wanted to control the house, reduce her son's care of me to less than significant, and wall me off to my bedroom only. I asked her to leave and she did. Then within a week, my son was asked by his wife to leave and he came to live with me for nine days. He saw how well my grandson was taking care of me and the house and he moved on to live with a friend. He filed his divorce papers this weekend, found himself a new girlfriend on line and is happy. It is just all too much for me  to process right now. I am happy for him but the Taurus in me just needs more time to settle down to this new reality.

Sorry to be so whiny. I just need more time for everything to settle.       

OOTG, I can relate! We could whine in unison and maybe make a Utube that will go viral!

The standard "joke" at our house is that if we need help (which we currently do) the first one who would offer to live with us would be our daughter!

Two control freaks in the same house? No way would that work!  

Mtierney, who knew we have so much in common???  

Do you have grandkids? I thank god for my eldest. He keeps me sane and I think I keep him sane.   

Eta: it's his mother, my daughter, that neither one of us can live  with. I do love her and feel so ashamed that I really want to shun her to keep my grandson safe and allow him to grow up to be the fine young man he is becoming. She wants to coddle him like a child. I guess that is what she wants to do to me as well. Without her presence, he has handled the house on his own. Never complaining but then  I don't boss him around which he resented his mother doing. He sees what needs to be done and does it. He trims the trees away from the house. He fixes the tiles in his bathroom he shares with the renters. He completely renovated the kitchen down to the drywall and bought new stove, microwave and replaced the cabinets. He shops around for his supplies for this rental unit and I and the renters supply the finances to complete the jobs as needed. He handled another rat infestation with poisons and traps. Yay! He nipped it  in the bud. No more German roaches in the   Kitchen. No  more rats. And he sprays the foundation of the house to handle roaches. Gotta love Florida!

These are all things my daughter   Would have bossed  my grandson around to do, but she would have reduced him down to a resentful 10 year old in the process with nagging, and demands that are just not part of my relationship with him. Without her here, he takes very good care of himself, his renters and visits with me often in my attached apartment. We talk about the house as one adult to another. He wishes he and his mom could have had these wonderful conversations that my grandson and I enjoy, figuring out  things together, but they never happened. I am just one lucky Grandma.   

OOTG, it sounds to me like you have settled into a very good arrangement with your grandson. And I don't think any of us are whining, really... These adjustments are difficult and take time. Many don't understand that and want to rush the process for their own comfort. The heck with them. Do what you need to do. If others understand, great. If not, they can mind their own business.   

Jim and I went to the gym this afternoon, and I took a swim when we got home. The weather is so hard to take today... Hot and humid, with almost unbearable atmospheric pressure. I got out of the shower this morning and went right back to sweating. Ugh. But the pool is just lovely.

I am worried about Jim, although it doesn't do to tell him that. He has had a couple of heart tests lately, and we got a letter today that there is an abnormal result they want to talk to him about. Meanwhile, yesterday he had a bad reaction to a new blood pressure medication they put him on -- sweating, dizziness, headache, fatigue, and a dry cough. We took him to the doctor, who checked his BP, did an EKG, put him on anti-nausea medication and sent him home. Tomorrow he will call to see what they want to talk to him about.

Isn't getting older just great???

Thanks for the support peggyc.

Good thoughts are with you and Jim for his health and well being.

more 'good vibes' flowing from here.  >< 

He spoke with the physician's assistant this morning, who told him it was nothing major (which I take as meaning he doesn't need a pacemaker or anything like that), but he had a doctor's appointment at 1:50. I am waiting to hear from him what the doctor said. I am quietly optimistic that we will be able to address whatever it is with changes to diet and exercise for both of us (it goes more consistently with two) and maybe a new medication for him. 

Interestingly, the kind of arrhythmia that showed on the EKG is caused by something to do with the vagus nerve, which also made him pass out a few years ago (vaso-vagal syncope). That crazy vagus...

Quick update on Jim: he is doing better. The latest medication, which is basically a water pill without the vasodilator that was giving him the reaction, is working so far. At any rate, he seems relieved and less cranky, two things that are well worth the visits to the doctor.

Meanwhile, I seem to have a program shaping up for the summer. I returned to Pilates yesterday and can feel literally every muscle group in my body. I held my breath as I committed to it for a year, with one or more sessions per week. I really like this type of workout. It is very controlled, a good thing with my vertigo, and I feel the difference immediately in how I feel and how I hold myself. This could be addictive.

The other part of the summer program is apparently going to be pottery. I'm working to set up eight weekly classes that will take me through the end of August. And it will let me take a shot at completing several pieces my father had thrown on his wheel but never fired or glazed. I love the idea of a few pieces of pottery that are a combination of his work and vision with mine. 

  to all of your news!

good news!

Pottery was a huge success! I like all the people in the class, especially the instructor, who is very funny and quick. I made a mug with a lace pattern embedded in the surface, and a tumbler/utensil holder with a different lace pattern. Next week I will trim and fine tune them, then they will be fired, glazed, and fired again. I'll take some before and after photos as I go.

Jim and I went to the gym this morning, so now I am working out twice a week, supplemented by home-based yoga and swimming. This is more activity than I have had in years! And I already feel so much better. 

Now maybe I can get off my butt and whip the house into better shape.